It’s now midway through September and rather than feeling uplifted by the start of the new school term, I’m feeling unsettled, frantic and dare I say even anxious.
I’m not a particularly anxious person by nature, as a litigation lawyer for 15 years you get used to arguments and anxiety and aggression, dealing with it in others on a daily basis. You have to have a certain amount of steal about you, an armour that you wear when you go into battle so you don’t get hurt by the constant fighting around you. Having finished that job around 18 months ago now (and working from home for myself) I wonder if I’ve lost the steal plated coat. I wonder if that’s all it was, a coat that I put on when I went into work, and now I don’t put it on anymore, whether the little things can get through in a way they never did.
I’m feeling odd about things that probably shouldn’t matter. Have I booked them in for too many after school clubs – should they be doing less, or doing more? I worry that it’s selfish that I encourage/make them go to the same two clubs so I can work until 5pm two days a week – but that’s what would happen if I worked in an office, right? I’m worried about their relationships with other kids and the fact that I don’t book in enough playdates – probably due to the fact that they now go to too many clubs! It’s a circular argument and something that’s been taking up too much space in my head since the beginning of term and I can’t seem to make it stop.
I’ve taken on more work and more responsibilities and I haven’t booked in enough childcare to cover this so I’m working late into the evening. I’m at that stage where I don’t know if the extra work I’m doing is financially worth it, so don’t feel as though I can justify the extra costs. I’m also now ‘just a Blogger’ but I prefer Freelance Writer if I’m honest, that’s where the job seems to be going with commissions coming in on a daily basis that need negotiating and writing and then invoicing and chasing.
I also have this overwhelming feeling that I shouldn’t be worried about these little things when there are far bigger problems in the world – you hear talk about Middle Class Mum guilt – and how ludicrous it is, and that seems to be what I have in a nutshell.
Add all that to the fact that I’m also feeling old and that isn’t helping. September in our house not only brings with it the new school term but all our birthdays too. Lily was 7 in the first week of September, Izzy and Eve are 6 mid-October and I’m 40 next month too – yes 40! How on earth did that happen and where did my babies go.
So September is making me feel unsettled, and anxious and frantic, and something needs to change.