I can’t settle to anything today. I just keep staring off into the distance and I catch myself simply doing nothing. I’m thinking, I’m contemplating but I’m not actually doing anything much.
It’s a strange day. Tomorrow one of my best friends is going into hospital to have a big operation, another step on her journey to be cancer free.
It’s a common operation we’ve reassured ourselves. In fact some people choose to have some of the work she will have done tomorrow for aesthetic reasons, but that’s not why she’s there. She’s there because some quirk, some hormone, some gene, decided that was going to be her fate.
It’s not fair I keep hearing myself say inside. Why her, why someone I love. But of course that’s not how it works. It’s always someone. Why not her. Why not me?
Cancer isn’t going to take her tomorrow. I know that. I can feel it inside. But it doesn’t stop me thinking about her. Wondering, waiting, thinking. Tomorrow will be even stranger.
Just now I’m thinking about decisions we make and time we spend doing things that often don’t really matter at all. Do I really need to make the kids tidy that playroom again – probably not – it’s futile after all, but it is something I can control, even if just a little bit.
We’ve spoken a lot more in the last few months. Before this we were both so busy with other things that sometimes we didn’t catch up for weeks, but things like this make you think, they make you pause and they make you reflect. Of course we should take the time to talk, to rest, to think, to do nothing. We always should. But often we don’t.
Some of you reading this will be fighting your own battles, or sharing those of your friends. So allow yourself to take some time.
Take some time.
Please give your friend my love and take care of yourself so that you can support her afterwards.